It’s not possible to hold two thoughts in the mind at the same time. Try it. Thoughts may follow each other in rapid succession but two thoughts, and even more so, two opposing thoughts cannot appear in the same moment. That offers an important observation. The quickest way to experience the personal “I” dissolving is to authentically be concerned about another. The focus on another cannot be held simultaneously with an absorption in self.
Shantideva, a famous 8th-century Indian Buddhist monk, expressed that in the following words: "All the suffering in the world comes from seeking pleasure for oneself. All the happiness in the world comes from seeking pleasure for others." When we desire that others be free of suffering and attain happiness, we swiftly lose our ego-based-self-cherishing and self-centeredness. In that precise moment a spontaneous feeling of peace, connection, and contentness, no longer obscured by our personal “I,” reveals itself from the center of our being. It may be brief, but if we catch it we will know it by heart.
That is easier said than done. Our personal self develops early in life, evolving through a series of stages: the mere “I,” the seemingly independent individual or personal “I,” the self-centered self-cherishing “I,” the defensive and protective “I,” and the social “I” which completes our complex ego structure. We need a personal “I” to navigate human life. The mere “I” serves that purpose. It can know the facts and skills we need to move through the circumstances of daily existence. The next four levels offer little to nothing and are the source of the negative emotions that bring stress, distress, and suffering, obscuring our true nature and possibilities.
Letting go of these complex elaborations of our personal identity can be quite difficult. We are convinced that we are this convoluted “I” and we come to trust it to protect and manage our lives. It takes simple observational skills to ascertain that it does a poor job and takes us down many meaningless and painful rabbit holes. We can disassemble this convoluted “I’ through psychological development and the spiritual insights of meditation. As we do so, the obscurations of a complex “I” progressively drop away, revealing, over time, our deepest self.
Simultaneous to pursuing these paths of development we can also study and practice the skill and attitude of otherness. In the Eastern tradition the desire to care for others is divided into two stages – aspiration and engagement. The first, aspiration, is the intention to live one’s life in a manner that benefits others. Many of us already aspire to this in our families, work, and community life. And, we may notice that when this aspiration truly sits in our heart, if even for moments, our heart opens, inner stillness arises, and serenity prevails. In that moment, we touch our wholeness and essence.
Surely, we have noticed that when we are absorbed in this higher intention we feel revitalized. Yet, this aspiration may fall away moments later as our well-practiced personal “I” once again takes over. Expect this. Don’t get frustrated or disappointed. Over and over we re-assert our intention and allow it to be the center of our being. In time, a growing understanding of our illusory ego structure and the insights of meditation will return us quite naturally to the natural human focus on otherness.
The second stage of otherness is altruistic action. Here there are two levels: the actions of a loving-kind personal “I” and the natural love and compassion that emanates effortlessly from our true self. It is not so important to distinguish these two levels. Suffice it to say that as our actions towards others become increasingly altruistic the presence of a personal “I” becomes increasingly subtle. When we no longer seek self-satisfaction or any level of applause for our actions we will recognize that our personal “I” has dissolved and our actions are inseparable from our natural self. They are the perfume of who we are.
At this final level of development there is neither intention nor absence of intention, action or non-action, selfness or otherness. There is only a natural presence, being, and isness that is wholeness and love itself.
We begin with the aspiration, over and over, to be of benefit to others – what we call otherness. We cherish those spontaneous aspirational moments and seek to cultivate a long-term attitude of otherness. As our aspirations lead to actions that benefit others, we become aware of our increasingly “clean actions” – clean of our personal “I” seeking self-satisfaction and applause. At moments, we will drop onto our deeper self which is by nature interconnected and other focused.
We will discover that that the ageless wisdom Shantideva shared with us - "All the suffering in the world comes from seeking pleasure for oneself. All the happiness in the world comes from seeking pleasure for others." – is precisely how it is. The Dali Lama once said that the most intelligent human quality is the recognition that what I truly want in life comes to me in the very act of giving to others.