It is certain that each of us will experience loss. It may come in one of many forms - loss of a loved one, loss of mental or physical capacities, loss of material possessions, or future possibilities. Significant loss often heralds a time of sadness, emotional pain, or perhaps a sense of hopelessness or despair. It can be an inconsolable time.
We cannot easily accept loss. We don't like it. We don't want it. We resist it. We wish it to be otherwise. We seek to order life in a familiar way that accords with our desires and preferences. But that is not how life works.
If we can understand and fully accept life as it actually is, impermanent and ever changing, we will still experience loss. However, we will not add an extra layer of pain and suffering by resisting life’s ebb and flow. We will not fight loss. We will not struggle with it. We will neither push it away, nor suppress it. We will not try to stop life’s natural flow.
To move beyond suffering, we must abandon the false belief that we can ultimately control life and avoid or minimize change. We must surrender the willful belief that life should proceed according to our desires and wants. Letting go of our resistance to change is not a punishment. It's a wise act of courage.
Loss is real. Fear, despair, anxiety, and depression are mental experiences superimposed onto loss. Therefor they vary person-to-person. They are reactions to loss. They are not innate to loss. Perhaps we can learn to separate our mental add-ons from the experience of loss itself, relax and ease into loss, experience it in our heart, let go of our efforts to control life, and stop resisting what is unalterable in life.
This is not to say that we do not feel the emotions of loss, but rather that we do not add on anxiety, fear, or hopelessness. Loss is a fact. The rest are projections. I recall a question to a wise teacher regarding loss. Do enlightened beings experience loss,” the student asked. The teacher replied “of course” there is sadness and a sense of loss, but it rests on a deep foundation of serenity and contentment, and an acceptance of life as it is. So, the emotions are held in a large field of peace. The emotions are fully experienced, but there is no add-on that creates additional suffering.
And if we are truly fortunate, something further may happen. In the midst of sadness and grief the heart's vulnerability and tenderness maybe felt. If we rest into that vulnerability without judgment or reaction, we may find an inner place of peace and sustenance that is unchanging and never leaves us. Yes, in the center of the full experience of loss it is possible to find a spaciousness unchanging serenity.
And, in the tenderness of a broken heart is also found a compassionate understanding of the suffering of others. Out of the experience of our pain arises the beginning of universal compassion. That concern for others, moves us away from self-rumination, isolation, and disconnection. It moves us towards a healing connection to others.
It is said that a woman visited the Buddha in utter despair regarding the loss of her young daughter. The Buddha instructed her to go to each home in the village and ask if they suffered any loss. When she returned the Buddha asked her what she learned. Every home, she said had loss and some far worse than mine. I felt my heart open to them. I felt a kinship. I felt connected. My heart is now open. My suffering is relieved.
As we walk through the door of loss with wisdom, grace, and surrender, there is something very important waiting to greet us. As the fire of our pain progressively burns away our little self and its illusion of control, we progressively free our self from fears, anxieties, and ceaseless mental commentaries. And, we return to a self-remembering of who we truly are.
When we become observers of our experience, accept life as it is and allow loss and other challenging emotions to flow through us without struggle or resistance, we become re-connected to the natural rhythms of life. Loss well lived becomes the basis for and support for self-remembering, and a wise and sustained serenity and freedom.
Let’s now practice Self-remembering. What we learn from teachings must be re-enforced by practice, in practice sessions and daily life. By repeatedly dropping into who we are we progressively rest in the stable peace and serenity of our natural self, which remains constant through the challenges of life.