The Life Story of the Personal Self
We are so closely identified with our personal self that we rarely give consideration to its origins or to the possibility that it’s only a fraction of our possibilities, a fragment of who we are. But what if we are wrong? What if our personal identity is only a fragment of our possibilities, an over-sized sliver of consciousness that’s mistaken for the totality of our being? Understanding its development, content, and false promises can enable us to awaken from a predictable and automated life to the totality of our being. That precious possibility is hidden from the uninquiring mind.
We are born with an unconditioned consciousness that is aware of the stream of unfiltered sensory and mental experiences – aware of what is as is without labeling or judgments. There is no sense of possessiveness, no time, no memory, no preferences or aversions, and no sense of a personal identity. That primary, simple, direct, and uncontrived awareness is our fundamental nature, then and now it is the ground of our being. I have often quoted the words of William Wordsworth, which bring to mind the heart, purity, simplicity and innocent awareness that characterizes our forgotten original nature.
There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,
The earth, and every common sight
To me did seem
Apparelled in celestial light,
The glory and the freshness of a dream.
It is not now as it hath been of yore;—
Turn wheresoe’er I may,
By night or day,
The things which I have seen I now can see no more.
However, born into human life we are destined to develop a circumscribed personal self – a personal identity – in order to live human life within society. There are several progressive steps to this unavoidable mental creation. It’s important to understand each one.
The first step can be called the “mere I.” It begins when we are given a name. The mere “I” is the simplest and most stripped-down version of what will over time develop into a complex personal identity. It’s utilitarian in nature. It can carry out the necessary chores of daily life without the limitations and complexities of a fully developed and conditioned personal self. We can recognize it when it appears in daily life. It is quiet, efficient, and peaceful as it goes about its tasks, as compared to the more complex “I” that is joined with stress, anxiety, urgency, and judgment.
Over time, the mere “I” is destined to further evolve as it takes on an increasing sense of individuality, the sense of an independent, autonomous “I.” This is called solidification, objectification, or reification of the “I.” This separate individual self, mentally created, defined, and limited by past history becomes cut off from our natural self. Having lost recognition of this source, this acquired identity falsely masquerades as our true nature.
This shift towards the fallacy of an independent individual self, is the key moment at which our solidified sense of self and our new-born individualism cause a disconnect from others, our natural self, and our planet. Where there was once one, there is now two. Individualism is by definition separateness.
But there is more. The mentally constructed personal self is by nature self-centered. It’s concerned about its own survival, security, and happiness. It’s drawn to experiences and people that provide pleasure, albeit temporary, and pushes away unpleasant experiences. It is at its core self-cherishing. A personal life and world are, established based on this self-centered individuality. There are almost 7 billion people on our planet and that means 7 billion self-centered “worlds” each concerned first about itself.
A seemingly independent personal “I” learns to defend itself against any and all imagined threats. This defensiveness is accompanied by a protectiveness and self-righteousness, which further insulates our contracted self and obscures our deeper dimensions.
So here we are with the burden of an over-sized inflated fictional “I” that runs our life, hides our true nature, and directly results in the emotional afflictions that overtake and disturb the natural harmony of body, mind, and spirit. And that is the life story of our mentally created fictional “I” – from a simple and functional mere “I” to a complex and highly dysfunctional personal “I.” We live a fraction of our whole and that’s how we find ourselves in both personal and social disharmony.
What is the solution to this dilemma? What is the antidote to this destructive belief in an inflated personal self? The primary antidote is awareness. Awareness allows us to stand back and observe our multi-layered personal self rather than be enmeshed in it.
We begin by practicing an awareness-based meditation. We learn to touch into an awareness that is empty of the history, habits, and conditioned perspectives. This awareness is a “transitional” state between identification with the acquired “I” and what lies beyond. Awareness enables us to progressively realize the difference between who we are and who we have become. We discover the simplicity of being right here and now, experiencing what is and what has always been.
In daily life we open up and soften our tight and contracted personal self, letting go of the layers of an inflated personal self and resting in a simpler beingness. Take a break during the day and stop, allow more space, settle in, let go of who you are not, trust the unfolding of life, come from heart, and experience the simplicity of who you are. Try it whenever you can.
In time, we will have had enough of the exhaustion and disappointment of cherishing an imagined self. Piece-by-piece the tight, limiting, and contracted personal self will soften and drop away. At first there will be brief and unexpected meetings with the timeless beauty of life. Slowly, these experiences will coalesce into extended moments of a simple blessed beingness. What was once one, then became two, will again become one. Progressively, we will bring the story and drama of the fictional self to an end. Free of the illusion of the personal self, we discover our original nature and a profound freedom to be.
There came a time
when the risk to remain tight in the bud
was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom.
….. Anais Nin